I was talking with someone today and realized I did something I do quite often that might be a trait that gets me into trouble: I boldly state my preference for (or against) something.
In this case, it was being tired of classic rock from a lifetime of overexposure. I think I offended the person, but saved it by clarifying that I’m mostly tired that there is a play list of seemingly 100-songs that have been in continual rotation for 50 years.
Anyway, it occurs to me that I’m just stating my preferences and I personally thing that’s fine and normal, but that people get personally offended if you don’t like what they like; which makes no sense to me. It’s like if you don’t like bland food, I’m not going to get offended because I can’t handle anything hotter than black pepper. It doesn’t ultimately mean anything significant.
Thoughts, ideas, suggestions?
It’s really all about how you say it. You can make it known that you dislike something without making the person feel like you’re belittling their opinion.
In that situation I think I’d say something like, “I used to be pretty into that era of music but it really got played out for me so it’s not really my jam anymore”
This shows that you have respect for the thing they like
It’s kind of the same issue as people not liking it when you correct a mistake they are making even if you think it might be helpful for them. Usually the thing I have to remind myself is that if they don’t ask they probably don’t care so I would probably just avoid sharing my thoughts. Only when I know / trust someone well am I likely to share opinions more freely. I guess maybe this counts as masking but it’s kind of like a ‘live and let live’ kind of thing.
Conversation have a flow, and sequence of performances from each participant. Saying “I’m tired of classic rock” is a stop point for the conversation. If you use this wording you are not making a space for their next response.
Instead you could consider saying something more like “I’m not really into classic rock, do you have anything else?” Or even more directly just add “Do you have anything else?” to the end of your original statement. If you close the conversation around classic rock but open a new one about another genre or a request for their other preferences the conversation can go forward.
That said, this is all masking. If you are not interested in maintaining that relationship it may be more trouble than it is worth then ending things there may work for you. If someone required that level of emotional work from my end but did not reciprocate by adopting strategies that worked with me I would feel it was pretty unfair and not really worth my time. Being flexible and kind is something that should be reciprocal, not one sided. Masking costs you something and you not masking costs them something. Meeting them half way may make sense, but it may also be pointless if they won’t actually meet you there.
Why is not liking something any more of a conversation stopper than liking something? I mean, if they don’t like classic rock, they can talk about how they don’t like classic rock, just as if they liked Charles Aznavour, we could talk about we like Charles Aznavour.
Like I have a story about getting SO sick of listening to classic rock at work and the same damn songs over and over again, that I went on Limewire or whatever it was and downloaded EVERY version of Bohemian Rhapsody I could find. I found a heavy metal version, I found an Australian Outback version, I found (of course) a bluegrass version, and (my favorite), a celtic version (Hibernian Rhapsody by De Dannan–go listen to it! It’s amazing)!
I burnt them all onto a CD and casually popped it into the boom box that played the FM classic rock radio station all day. It started with the original Queen song so nobody suspected anything was amiss. Eventually, probably by the second cover version, people got upset (because they are boring as fuck) and so they went back to the radio.
Guess what the next song we had to listen to was.
I see a little siloheutto of a man!
Honestly, if someone gets butthurt if I say I don’t like certain music, that’s a them problem. People tie their identities very strongly to their music preferences and they sometimes take it as an assault on their character. What you said in this case was a valid observation and I don’t think you should assume any responsibility for their reaction.
But if you’re trying to learn to be more diplomatic, something like a simple, “eh, that’s not really my thing,” gets the point across just fine. It’s an “I” statement which avoids putting people on the defensive. Works for just about anything.
As my grandma used to say, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they are all shitty.” If somebody is going to get offended by yours then that is their problem.
That being said, tone matters, in my experience a lot more to neurotypicals than to we neurodivergents. Sometimes I have to rephrase something because the first way I said it came off as assholery even though I didn’t mean it that way.
In a conversation where we are talking about our respective preferences, I wouldn’t find such a comment offputting. Outside that context, I might wonder what you want me to do with that information. And especially when such a comment seems to come out of nowhere, it can come across as entitled or selfish in the “I’m the main character” vein.
If you can state your preference without intending to declare it superior to my preference, then I find little to criticize about it. If you don’t intend to imply that my liking what you dislike is somehow wrong, then I don’t mind.
Stating this kind of preference boldly could be interpreted as trying to be authoritative on the subject, and especially in matters of taste, your opinion is no more valid than anyone else’s, nor is it any more important. You might not intend it that way, but I could easily imagine a listener interpreting you that way.
To answer your question more directly, stating a preference somewhat tentatively or meekly can convey an appropriate amount of humility. That tends to make it safer. As with most of these situations, the more your listeners already trust you, the more boldness you can safely get away with.
I hope this helps you somehow. Peace.
Yes, I meant boldly as in baldly, as in plainly, not as in authoritatively–it is just my personal preference.
And, yes, that is Peter fucking Frampton.
Reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPciCqzM8_A
After eating at Taco Bell, crampton came alive.
“I always hated that song…”
Frampton’s a cool dude. A genuine musician. Don’t hassle him for being overplayed, it wasn’t his idea.
Yes, I’m sorry to have dragged him into this discussion because he does seem like a genuinely cool dude, but there is this DELICIOUS reference to High Fidelity (which I added to a comment).
He is also not really “classic rock” by radio standards these days, at least not FM radio standards; you can probably hear him more on pop oldies stations.
One of the things I’ve noticed about FM Radio classic rock is how performatively masculine it is… Frampton is very much not like that.
Hahaha 100% agreed! I like classic rock but I never enjoyed Frampton.
I’m still pretty bad at navigating social situations, so bear that in mind, but I’ve found that there’s a difference between volunteering preferences vs being asked. If a group of people are chatting about all the things that they are doing with AI, then me saying something like “yeah, but AI sucks and it’s worthless, it’s unethical and hallucinates most of the time,” isn’t going to be well received. However, perhaps they’d ask how I’m using AI or such. I could mention that I don’t use AI anymore. Then if they ask me why not, then they’ve requested my honest opinion, and they need to be prepared to hear it. If they push back, then it’s like hey, you asked, did you only want me to tell you what you wanted to hear?
I’ll also say that people that dominate conversations and insult others that don’t agree with them drive me away very quickly, because that’s abusive or bullying behavior, even if they do it with a smile or joke. Other people seem to like that kind of behavior though, because they’re almost always popular for some reason.
I stopped trying to bring up AI at my workplace since it was clear that management had decided it Was Very Important for People To Learn and the organization is nothing but a bunch of perfomative cocksuckers (or, to be gender neutral, providers of oral sex). Personally, I don’t see much application of AI to a social welfare agency, but I know when stating my opinion is just going to alienate me even more. The reality is that learning AI is way to curry favor with management, and speaking against AI is a way for people to mark you as a troublemaker.
Anyway, I quit on Sunday.
Thanks for the suggestion. I’ve tried it but it’s not really my style.
I get it, it’s just not really my thing, tbh. I’m more into x
“I’m not feelin’ ___ (right now).”
“I would prefer something else (at the moment).”
In this case, it’s easy to just say that you would like to listen to something else. You don’t have to justify or explain. Its better if you don’t. Music is a matter of taste. And, yes, if somone presses you for a reason why, saying you’re overexposed is plenty valid.
However, assholes exist. And some people believe that their tastes ought to be universal. Sometimes, you’ll just have to confront the fact that it isn’t about the musical choice at all.
The key is to be as diplomatic as possible in just saying it’s not really your thing and then changing the subject. Especially when someone’s trying to bond by sharing their interests, the worst thing you can do is insult the things they like. If you have to, avoid any direct criticism, just make it clear that it’s your own subjective taste.
And I say this as someone who has literally built a brand on being a hater for some specific hot-buttons of mine, and even lost friendships over it. In the right setting there can be a time and place for hating, but it’s not when someone else is trying to talk about what they like. Just change the subject if you can’t say anything nice.
Yeah, I can see in the context of someone talking about how they LOVE classic rock is would be a bad move; in those cases, I keep it to myself, or talk about what I do like about it… but in the absence of knowing their preferences, I blurt out my own, because I feel like that’s part of THEM getting to know ME.
And thank you. Understanding that people are really just looking to bond over shared interests is helpful.
Even unprompted, it’s usually better to talk about the things you like rather than the things you don’t.
What do you mean, exactly, by “boldly”?
Bluntly and without artifice."i’m tired of classic rock’’ or such.
As opposed to, “I like a lot of classic rock songs–I have a Zeppelin CD in my car right now–but, overall, I think I’ve heard enough of the limitted play list that’s available on commercial radio.”
Biggest problem is that it shuts down the conversation.
If you partner it with what you do like, you at least give an opportunity for the conversation to continue in a different direction.
naw man that’s trash. you listen to garbage.
