Medicated for 15 years, still do this, 😭

Everyone has some symptoms of adhd. Adhd is characterized by having many of them, and in far greater concentration than the normal population.

I think it might be true to a degree. Filtering less, or having some people in the tribe who do, who find the odd unlikely solution, who mix the tin with the copper, who spot hidden berries under the snow during a conversation where someone confesses their love to you - it can be an advantage.

But having my heart project, or 5 of those, and never even starting, although I think I’ll do it any day now - that can be suffering. When medicated, I picked them up one by one and finished them, and it felt so good. And I realise, I never would have otherwise! Like this broken electric toy with sentimental value that I kept around, and now I just picked it up and fixed it. And some of these took 10 minutes, and some took 5 hours, but instead I lived with the pain of not having it done for so many decades, yes, decades.

Or my beautiful wife who went all-in with so much love, and I did give my absolute best until I broke, couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t, but it wasn’t enough. Yet all that was missing was 20 - 30 minutes per day, timeboxed, of working through todos. Which is absolutely impossible undiagnosed and untreated, which is why I don’t blame myself, but no problem now.

It crosses the line to a disorder when it is impairing in multiple contexts, which is part of the definition and a must-criterion. If it’s not impairing you anymore, you don’t have it by definition. Impairing you only in a society that shouldn’t be like this? Interesting question.

So you’re saying it’s not going to get better for me next year either?

48 for me

I resemble that remark. Well a lot closer than 33 anyways.

Yeah, not at all. I stopped believing a long time ago. I dont bullshit myself nearly as much anymore. I think it helps me to be more realistic because I know that, even medicated, I am a total basketcase.

But it’s roomy in here, here, here, here

Mostly because having a disorder that is a daily reminder of how much work it is just to function on a day to day basis and apparently remembering the fuck ups way more than the good things since the fuck ups are basically the same thing each time. It feels worse and worse each year, and honestly my biggest fear is that I will get dementia and not be able to tell because it that is how I have felt my entire life.

That said, reminding myself that I’m doing pretty well is the counterbalance that keeps me going. I’ve accepted my limits and just roll along with becoming a jack of all trades that still has to relearn anything I haven’t done for a few years. Meds help while they are active, but they don’t work 24 hours a day.

My anxiety guides me.

Today I get to bask after three days of deep cleaning my home! It is a good day today!

Though, getting a new dishwasher installed is what sparked it, anxiety drives me to get my stuff done. Why waiting until last minute sometimes can produce my best work (yet sometimes can cause disaster still).

I also pushed myself onto a leadership position at my work once. A two year commitment. I had to do a lot of public speaking, I absolutely hated it, and cursed myself for doing it to myself, but it was to bring me out of my comfort zone and I knew the payoff was to help and be a voice for my fellow employees I represented. It was tough.

Hell yeah, for me, using my anxiety as a driver for change has been massively helpful in my life. Face it- then its faced, I still have the anxiety but I understand it and can objectively react to it in a positive way. Introspection is a hell of a thing.

my anxiety guides me. i have no idea why i have it.