caught sucking toes in the oval office

Convincing my wife to give me head under the desk.

The scandal would be because it was my wife, not the getting head part.

I’d wear a green suit. Tan would be cool, but that’s already been done.

My Lemmy account leaking. The Republicans would have material for weeks with my post history. But to be honest I would be laughing my ass off watching the posts be entered into the permanent, historical record because some nazi decided to read some in congress.

Secretly converting the “bunker” under the East Wing into a retro arcade. They could call it MAMEgate.

I’d be assassinated before the first day of my term.

I’d make a primetime late night formal announcement that I have converted to solipsism and I’m deeply sorry for causing so much suffering to the humanity of my own invention

I DID inhale.

I’d publicly express my political opinion. (We’re talking about the german president, right?)

So I created my own party. It’s called the Sloth and Indolence Party, and I’m running as an anarchist candidate in the best sense of that word.  I’ve studied the presidency carefully. I have seen that our best presidents were the do-nothing presidents: Millard Fillmore, Warren G. Harding. When you have a president who does things, we are all in serious trouble.  If he does anything at all—if he gets up at night to go the bathroom—somehow, mystically, trouble will ensue.

I guarantee that if I am elected, I will take over the White House, hang out, shoot pool, scratch my ass, and not do a damn thing.  Which is to say: if you want something done, don’t come to me to do it for you; you got to get together and figure out how to do it yourselves.  Is that a deal?

Premarital gay sex on a burning flag while smoking pot in the Oval Office.

Doing away with the king.
I live in a constitutional monarchy.

I’d dose the head of all the fed agencies with LSD and interrogate them at my inauguration, seeing if I could find out their plans to kill me.

Then I’d swear in on a sheet of blotter paper printed with something radical.

well, it should start with something less controversial: maybe a dead removed?