It is very real. I have experienced it myself. And when it happens I try to recognize that I am not a bad person, and neither are they. Sometimes you trip somebody else’s insecurities. And it’s on them when they let those insecurities get the best of them, and it’s on me when i don’t notice they’re getting uncomfortable because they’ve said “idk man I just started this hobby” three times and instead of taking the hint and high fiving them for their kickass walking artillery robot miniature I ask what brand of paint they used and why. Spoiler: they used it because the dude at the store recommended it and they don’t know anything about paint. Sometimes it is unreasonable to expect someone to be an expert, and repeatedly asking questions beyond the scope of their expertise is incredibly rude because it embarrasses them. That doesn’t make anyone stupid or evil. It just makes us human.
My objection here is that the linked tweet avoids any accountability. “I’m just curious and therefore virtuous, and they are triggered because they lack self reflection” is beyond insufferable, it is corrosive. When you think like that it feels like self acceptance, but it’s also complacency. Conversation is hard, especially for autistic people, but that doesn’t give us license to act like jerks and refuse to learn from the experience.
‘I don’t know’ is an answer. ‘I just started this hobby and bought some random paint’ explains why don’t know pretty well. That is not the majority of my experience.
It is a complete answer, but it also makes a lot of people feel like they don’t know something they should. Repeatedly feeling that way is why they start to get defensive. In my experience. Its the repeated asking of questions they don’t have “good” answers for. And so I try really hard when people share things with me to pay extra attention to how they are reacting to my questions.
The same structure holds true when I’m asking questions about peoples beliefs or any other topic. People really hate feeling caught out in a conversation. My girlfriend almost broke up with me towards the beginning of our relationship for being “too Socratic.” And so now I try to be more conscious about what I ask, and when, where, why, and how I ask them. So far it’s been working pretty well.
Anyway your experiences are your own, my point here was and still is that people don’t react this way because they are stupid or incapable of self reflection but because sometimes we really do come off justly or unjustly as interrogators, and it’s on us to learn to identify when that’s happening and back off.
Much more common is assholes getting defensive when I ask them literally any questions, especially when they’re in positions of power-not even administrative power; I basically don’t fuck with doctors anymore.
It is very real. I have experienced it myself. And when it happens I try to recognize that I am not a bad person, and neither are they. Sometimes you trip somebody else’s insecurities. And it’s on them when they let those insecurities get the best of them, and it’s on me when i don’t notice they’re getting uncomfortable because they’ve said “idk man I just started this hobby” three times and instead of taking the hint and high fiving them for their kickass walking artillery robot miniature I ask what brand of paint they used and why. Spoiler: they used it because the dude at the store recommended it and they don’t know anything about paint. Sometimes it is unreasonable to expect someone to be an expert, and repeatedly asking questions beyond the scope of their expertise is incredibly rude because it embarrasses them. That doesn’t make anyone stupid or evil. It just makes us human.
My objection here is that the linked tweet avoids any accountability. “I’m just curious and therefore virtuous, and they are triggered because they lack self reflection” is beyond insufferable, it is corrosive. When you think like that it feels like self acceptance, but it’s also complacency. Conversation is hard, especially for autistic people, but that doesn’t give us license to act like jerks and refuse to learn from the experience.
‘I don’t know’ is an answer. ‘I just started this hobby and bought some random paint’ explains why don’t know pretty well. That is not the majority of my experience.
It is a complete answer, but it also makes a lot of people feel like they don’t know something they should. Repeatedly feeling that way is why they start to get defensive. In my experience. Its the repeated asking of questions they don’t have “good” answers for. And so I try really hard when people share things with me to pay extra attention to how they are reacting to my questions.
The same structure holds true when I’m asking questions about peoples beliefs or any other topic. People really hate feeling caught out in a conversation. My girlfriend almost broke up with me towards the beginning of our relationship for being “too Socratic.” And so now I try to be more conscious about what I ask, and when, where, why, and how I ask them. So far it’s been working pretty well.
Anyway your experiences are your own, my point here was and still is that people don’t react this way because they are stupid or incapable of self reflection but because sometimes we really do come off justly or unjustly as interrogators, and it’s on us to learn to identify when that’s happening and back off.
That can happen!
Much more common is assholes getting defensive when I ask them literally any questions, especially when they’re in positions of power-not even administrative power; I basically don’t fuck with doctors anymore.