Don’t generalize. Sexual health professionals will tell you that libido varies among people. When a couple has great disparity, both sides must change and the essential first step for healing is accepting reality. Telling the woman the problem is exclusively men’s fault is a recipe for suffering. I speak from experience.
I had sex maybe once a month; sometimes I it took nearly three months. And it was always the same boring routine. She made clear she didn’t want sex, sometimes even making bad faces, looking away and complaining “Just finish it!”. I had frequent nocturnal emission like a teenager. Sometimes I lost control and resorted to pornography and masturbation, causing guilt of adultery.
After more than 7 years, I finally had a tough conversation with my wife. She was initially receptive but then quickly retreated into denial. She concocted five crazy justifications. One of them was that couples with a child can no longer have sex. I said: “then how come so many couples have a second child?” She said they are all bad parents, because they neglected the first child to make the second.
Eventually I showed her my therapy notes. Just a few months after we married (many years before the child), the sexless marriage was a recurrent therapy theme. One day she finally accepted seeing a gynecologist. Some months later she started physiotherapy, but still strongly refused psychotherapy that is for weak people, even though both me and our child have psychotherapy. Also “it is wrong for a couple to like sex”. She would also berate and offend me for trivial or imaginary reasons. Twice or thrice a week she had brutal headaches that induced small visual hallucinations. The neurologist said it was emotional, but the claimed it was normal.
Only very recently she finally accepted psychotherapy. She is improving. The brutal headaches are gone. The fights too. She is a much happier person, but I am still a bit resentful and depressed, (EDIT) and a contributing factor is that after more than a decade of marriage I still can’t have passable sex.
EDIT: My point is that telling a mentally ill person that everything is automatically other people’s fault is as bad as telling a person with Schizophrenia that the evil therapists want to keep the Angels (voices) away.
I can’t speak for her in general and I’m not gonna, but some of what you said sounds like purity culture to me. Either way I don’t believe we’re entitled to our spouse’s bodies or to sex. Masturbation is healthy.
Masturbation is inferior in every respect. Is has zero affection, it is less pleasing, less fun, less everything.
Either way I don’t believe we’re entitled to our spouse’s bodies or to sex.
That is mostly true, but cannot be applied as a ivory tower dogma. People learn theories and use them to judge the particular circumstance of couples they never met. Like a couple gets married, both have issues, and both suffer. One consequence is that they have almost no sex, which is terrible to one with libido. Then people pontificate: the side with libido should just live their entire life without sex. And the part who lacks libido should continue to have brutal headaches twice or thrice a week, as she believes “therapy is for the weak”. In no event can the husband demand she have therapy. Dogma is everything, material reality is nothing.
It is analogous to conservative priests.
Someone tells him: lifelong marriage is beautiful, but what about women who are physically abused by their husband?
The priest pontificates: she must take the children to her parent’s house, then raise them without a father, and she must live without a husband for her entire life. In no event can we tolerate she have a second union, because dogma is dogma.
I agree with orc girly. I also think your wife does have some very week reasoning from what you have said, but I don’t think that partners should be entitled to sex. I think you probably have some issues of your own if your blaming your depression on your wife not wanting to have sex with you.
You say that based on what? For seven years I politely asked her to have more healthy frequency, to have reasonable variation, for her to see a gynecologist about her physical problems, and to have psychotherapy for her brutal headaches as neurologist had prescribed. The psychotherapy would also benefit our marriage. I long had therapy myself and made an effort to be a good husband. After seven years I finally told her in tougher terms that our marriage was not good. The therapy has already made good benefit. The brutal headaches are gone. The fights too.
My whole point is that prejudiced people pontificate about the reality of couples they never met and know nothing about.
Don’t generalize. Sexual health professionals will tell you that libido varies among people. When a couple has great disparity, both sides must change and the essential first step for healing is accepting reality. Telling the woman the problem is exclusively men’s fault is a recipe for suffering. I speak from experience.
I had sex maybe once a month; sometimes I it took nearly three months. And it was always the same boring routine. She made clear she didn’t want sex, sometimes even making bad faces, looking away and complaining “Just finish it!”. I had frequent nocturnal emission like a teenager. Sometimes I lost control and resorted to pornography and masturbation, causing guilt of adultery.
After more than 7 years, I finally had a tough conversation with my wife. She was initially receptive but then quickly retreated into denial. She concocted five crazy justifications. One of them was that couples with a child can no longer have sex. I said: “then how come so many couples have a second child?” She said they are all bad parents, because they neglected the first child to make the second.
Eventually I showed her my therapy notes. Just a few months after we married (many years before the child), the sexless marriage was a recurrent therapy theme. One day she finally accepted seeing a gynecologist. Some months later she started physiotherapy, but still strongly refused psychotherapy that is for weak people, even though both me and our child have psychotherapy. Also “it is wrong for a couple to like sex”. She would also berate and offend me for trivial or imaginary reasons. Twice or thrice a week she had brutal headaches that induced small visual hallucinations. The neurologist said it was emotional, but the claimed it was normal.
Only very recently she finally accepted psychotherapy. She is improving. The brutal headaches are gone. The fights too. She is a much happier person, but I am still a bit resentful and depressed, (EDIT) and a contributing factor is that after more than a decade of marriage I still can’t have passable sex.
EDIT: My point is that telling a mentally ill person that everything is automatically other people’s fault is as bad as telling a person with Schizophrenia that the evil therapists want to keep the Angels (voices) away.
Why the downvotes?
I can’t speak for her in general and I’m not gonna, but some of what you said sounds like purity culture to me. Either way I don’t believe we’re entitled to our spouse’s bodies or to sex. Masturbation is healthy.
Masturbation is inferior in every respect. Is has zero affection, it is less pleasing, less fun, less everything.
That is mostly true, but cannot be applied as a ivory tower dogma. People learn theories and use them to judge the particular circumstance of couples they never met. Like a couple gets married, both have issues, and both suffer. One consequence is that they have almost no sex, which is terrible to one with libido. Then people pontificate: the side with libido should just live their entire life without sex. And the part who lacks libido should continue to have brutal headaches twice or thrice a week, as she believes “therapy is for the weak”. In no event can the husband demand she have therapy. Dogma is everything, material reality is nothing.
It is analogous to conservative priests. Someone tells him: lifelong marriage is beautiful, but what about women who are physically abused by their husband? The priest pontificates: she must take the children to her parent’s house, then raise them without a father, and she must live without a husband for her entire life. In no event can we tolerate she have a second union, because dogma is dogma.
deleted by creator
I agree with orc girly. I also think your wife does have some very week reasoning from what you have said, but I don’t think that partners should be entitled to sex. I think you probably have some issues of your own if your blaming your depression on your wife not wanting to have sex with you.
I wrote in a haste. My depression is preexisting, but relationship problems are a contributing factor. I have then edited the original comment.
Maybe you should try being a partner instead of a “boss.”
You say that based on what? For seven years I politely asked her to have more healthy frequency, to have reasonable variation, for her to see a gynecologist about her physical problems, and to have psychotherapy for her brutal headaches as neurologist had prescribed. The psychotherapy would also benefit our marriage. I long had therapy myself and made an effort to be a good husband. After seven years I finally told her in tougher terms that our marriage was not good. The therapy has already made good benefit. The brutal headaches are gone. The fights too.
My whole point is that prejudiced people pontificate about the reality of couples they never met and know nothing about.
I was talking about the meme. I didn’t know what you were on about. My apologies.
OK, thank you for reading more carefully! I am a bit emotional too.
I understand. Thank you for your generosity.