Hey y’all. Just wanted to vent a bit. I’ve been feeling really down lately, mostly because lately it feels like no matter what I do or how hard I try I can’t seem to make people understand me. It doesn’t really seem to matter if I’m talking to another neurodivergent person or not, people just assume they know what I’m saying and run with it. It just keeps happening and it’s been creating more and more conflict at work, with my friends, with random people I have to deal with day to day. I feel so much like a fucking alien lately, like I’m speaking some language that no one around me understands but thinks they do. I had a meltdown the other day at a work friend who just could not stop for half a second to listen to what I was saying. I don’t know if it’s something I’m doing, I’m sure people will read this and assume that it is. At this point it doesn’t even matter it just feels so pointless to even try. I want to cry with how badly I want someone to just listen to what I’m saying and try to actually understand. Like literally that’s all I want, but it never seems to happen these days. I feel like it’s going to cost me my job and friends. I feel like I’m going to lose everything and have to start my life over again somewhere else. I see how this is really a me problem. It’s not fair but the burden is on me to make people understand what I’m saying. I see how my lack of energy and motivation to do so is making it impossible for me. I want to put forth the effort but I just have nothing left. I fucking hate myself for that, even knowing it’s not really my fault. Thanks for reading if you got this far. This was stream of consciousness.
Personally I do my goddamn best to make sure I understand what the other person is talking about. I’m sorry you have to deal with that with what sounds like fucking everyone in your life. That sounds truly awful, and I would probably just stop talking to people after trying so hard like that (hey, wait a second…).
One time I was talking with my therapist, and she complimented me on how I didn’t talk over her or interrupt and actually listened to what she had to say which made me a bit confused, like, people actually do that? In a therapy session even? But thinking back, yeah, a lot of people I’ve been around, even those I considered friends and generally nice people, often didn’t have the patience to hold a conversation past a certain point unless they were inebriated (and by then they were talking about nothing). So yeah, it’s not you. That’s just people, and I think especially recently with all the horrible things happening and being amplified by media networks; it can be too much so they just want to go home and forget. They don’t want to give people enough time to express themselves, maybe they think it’s dangerous, albeit unconsciously. I would think this is especially true in the states, in it’s current state (hah).
Well, that’s just my ramblings in response to yours. Light and beauty, fren.