I’m going to start with something positive: My parents said my sister was in great spirits tonight.
The second they got home, however, My dad found her suicide notes, and I have not stopped worrying since. I honestly don’t know why I’m worried. Is it because I saw my dad crying? Because I won’t see my sister for another few weeks because she won’t be home until the end of the week, when I go back to school? Because I’m not allowed to write to her (that is my main form of communication). I don’t know why I miss her so much, I’m snuggling with her plushy as I write this.
I plan to talk to my parents tomorrow, just regarding everything. They’ve tried to pay me lots of attention, But we’ve never had a sit down conversation about how we’re all feeling about this. That is my hope for tomorrow.
I can’t sleep, I’m so worried. I’ve also drank quite a bit tonight because I was angry earlier this evening (because of some stuff with my mom and XC coach, I don’t plan on drinking anymore though). I have so many feelings right now, and so many questions. Just wanted to rant.
The photo is blurry, so here is what it says:
Mary, my whole form of writing letters is for you. I knew you would get it this way. I’m so sorry. Run a marathon someday for me. When you are at the toughest part, think of me. Prove coach asshole you belong there and won’t give up without a fight. I want all of my money to go to you. I love you. Have some kids and tell them about me if they ever struggle. You get that one squishmallow. Protect Shrimp and Cinnamaroll for me, I love them both so much. I love you so much Mary. Don’t blame yourself ever. This was all me. Try to go on for me. Follow your dreams and don’t let this stop you. Yours truly, your sister
That’s really rough and I’m so sorry you and your sister are going through this. Try to go easy on yourself for starters. Secondly, is there extended family and/or friends who can provide support to you, your sister and your parents during this period? You’re going to need support whilst you’re away and it will probably help you as well if you know someone’s there to support your sister whilst you’re away.
My family and I live together, my sister lives with my parents full time, and I live with them when I’m not in college. I do plan on talking to some of my relatives about this though.
Everybody’s circumstances are different, so I’m only providing this info on the off-chance there is something helpful here.
Several years ago I reached out to my GP because I genuinely believed that I was going to end up committing suicide, and I was worried.
I’d had the occasional suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager, and like most people, assumed it was just a normal part of being a person. As I got older, they became more frequent - essentially becoming any time I let my brain go dormant.
You might wonder what had become so terrible in my life that I was obsessed with ending it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I had a young family, a loving wife, a nice house, a good job. I was happy, and had lots to be happy about.
The best way I had of describing it at the time was like a dual boot system - it felt like there was the normal me, and a different version of me that ran on the hardware when the normal me wasn’t actively using it.
This other me, however, had come to the definite conclusion that everyone I cared about would be better off if I died. It’d used the time lying in bed, stood on the tram, etc - the down time - to work out in detail exactly why, and by how much. It had a plan to minimise the distress and inconvenience to everyone who might end up involved.
Fortunately, I did reach out, though, and got referred to a psychologist. I was diagnosed with OCD and prescribed SSRIs. For me, they worked.
It was a genuine revelation that most people don’t think about suicide daily, that brains can go quiet.
Since being better, I’ve stopped thinking of what was happening as a dual boot system, and more like a badly tuned television. You get everything that should be there, but sometimes these extra ghost images. But it’s not because there’s anything actually there, it’s because the machinery isn’t properly tuned. The SSRIs just set the brain chemistry to what it should be, and the brain started working like it should.
Sorry, this has ended up a bit longer than intended.
I really hope everything works out for you, your sister and your family.
I would not leave her by herself. Is she also in school? I would call and tell them she is at risk of suicide.
She really needs someone to watch her at the minimum to keep her safe.
Right now she’s in the mental hospital, she is never by herself there. My parents also are visiting her every night.
That’s really good
Sounds like she is in a better place than many other people. Being suicidal is never a good place to be but the silver lining is that there is no place to go but up.
First, most importantly I’d bump the vitamin D3 dose up to at least RDA sunshine equivalent (around 20,000 to 30,000 iu… or even to 40,000iu (1mg) or more), especially if in the dark northern winter (and more if any of indoorsy, dark skin, overweight, old, autoimmune conditions). Some omega 3 oil too (even as Cod Liver Oil). The other fat-soluble vitamins help in conjunction. Vitamin K2 mk7. Vitamin E (with all the tocotrienols, not just tocopherol(s)). (And the Vitamin A, as retinol, got from Cod Liver). Then there are even fat soluble versions of the various B vitamins too, such as Benfotiamine.
Maybe some ashvagandha and an uplifting cannabis chemovariant (perhaps high in CBD ~ or even just CBD isolate) to help restore homeostasis, elevate mood, and increase adaptivity. Spices high in Caryophyllene help too.
Wim Hof method’s very impressive too. Very healing, and it’s fun (free feel-good drugs in your body! lol).
Good to have found this so you can get her some help.
Reassure her. Send healing and loving vibes. Think deep felt positive thoughts about her.
Mendwards! :D
“This too shall pass.” And all the more with some help. (Go for some rounds of the easy to follow along guided Wim Hof Method’s breathing technique (Tummo Breathing) with her.) Maybe with some mood elevating sound therapy, solfeggio/binaural, healing Reiki music in the background too.
Microdosing (or even careful macrodosing) various neurogenic mushrooms can help tremendously too. Lion’s Mane (especially as the mycelia) perhaps most of all, of the non-psychedelic ones. Only do Psilocybes as a macrodose if in correct (mind)SET and SETTING. I’ve heard it has a 95% success rate. Changes lives. :)
Some probiotics too, can help with various aspects that can contribute to feeling depressed and overwhelmed. E.g. Lacto Reuteri, if it’s social anxiety based. Can just go for Kimchi (even just a spoonful) added to the daily diet, and then you’re getting over 900 strains (contrast to the more likely 9 to 30 you get in probiotic pills). Cover more bases. :) Kimchi’ is fun and easy to make. Having a little project like that, especially if helping someone else who’s asking for help they need, can really help depressed people have a boost to their sense of worth, with purpose, and good company.
These things have helped me avoid the thoughts of a dark exit, even through the roughest time.
Especially the proper dosing of Vitamin D3.
It’s good that all of that worked for you, but in general it’s best practice to avoid suggesting psychoactive substances to people who are in mental distress. More times than not it’s makes the problem worse, especially when considering cannabis and psilocybe mushrooms.
