I’m going to start with something positive: My parents said my sister was in great spirits tonight.

The second they got home, however, My dad found her suicide notes, and I have not stopped worrying since. I honestly don’t know why I’m worried. Is it because I saw my dad crying? Because I won’t see my sister for another few weeks because she won’t be home until the end of the week, when I go back to school? Because I’m not allowed to write to her (that is my main form of communication). I don’t know why I miss her so much, I’m snuggling with her plushy as I write this.

I plan to talk to my parents tomorrow, just regarding everything. They’ve tried to pay me lots of attention, But we’ve never had a sit down conversation about how we’re all feeling about this. That is my hope for tomorrow.

I can’t sleep, I’m so worried. I’ve also drank quite a bit tonight because I was angry earlier this evening (because of some stuff with my mom and XC coach, I don’t plan on drinking anymore though). I have so many feelings right now, and so many questions. Just wanted to rant.

The photo is blurry, so here is what it says:

Mary, my whole form of writing letters is for you. I knew you would get it this way. I’m so sorry. Run a marathon someday for me. When you are at the toughest part, think of me. Prove coach asshole you belong there and won’t give up without a fight. I want all of my money to go to you. I love you. Have some kids and tell them about me if they ever struggle. You get that one squishmallow. Protect Shrimp and Cinnamaroll for me, I love them both so much. I love you so much Mary. Don’t blame yourself ever. This was all me. Try to go on for me. Follow your dreams and don’t let this stop you. Yours truly, your sister