I’m really sorry your feeling that way, no one deserves to feel like the best decision is death. I’ve been there and I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. I know you don’t want to hear anyone tell you “Oh just stick it out life gets better!” because if you’re like I was that’s just a fantasy that never comes. But if you’ll take any advice I’d suggest finding something you love to do and just making that your life’s work, don’t worry about anything else. That’s what I did, gave up on everything else and just focused on that for a few years, eventually things ended up turning out alright for me.