What the title says. Well intentioned, often other “neurodivergent” people look at your life, your autism, and say: “you should mask harder.”
For example, I accidentally said something that offended a friend. Won’t go into detail, but it was me unintentionally coming off as arrogant, not something bad like a slur or hate speech.
I asked for advice (elsewhere) and the advice was universally, “you see, NT avoid this topic at all costs. Going forwards, know it is best to avoid this topic.”
But isn’t this just saying “mask harder and be more palatable for everyone else”?
Every piece of “autism advice” I see even in “neurodivergent friendly” communities is basically “how to be less autistic.”
because our behaviors and personalities are seen as a burden. having to be mindful about somebody’s limitations requires some amount of work and people don’t want to be bothered.
Which is a shame, because it means more of the effort falls onto us. We have to be extra careful of what upsets NTs, but NTs aren’t instructed (nor expected) to be careful of what upsets us. To be fair, what that is can differ strongly from person to person.
It just sucks when you run into a spot where either side needs to give - like when your energy is low and somebody complains about your vocal tone. On your side, you’re already extending as much energy as possible and falling short. On the NT’s side, they don’t necessarily know that the reason for the change in tone is because of something you can’t control, and it has nothing to do with your feelings toward others. I ran into this issue recently and it basically meant I had to entrust someone else to explain to the other person what the issue was, because I didn’t have the spoons to explain why tone is a lifelong issue and why mentioning it triggers me. Thankfully, my workplace is understanding, but I’ve been in countless more situations where I’d be expected to somehow give more of myself just to appease the NTs who don’t consider what their words mean to me (even though I’ve been made acutely aware through life of what my words can mean to others.) These situations usually fall 100% onto us to resolve, even when we aren’t capable of it in any given moment. Which sucks so hard.
I wish there was more public understanding of our struggles. I wish masking so well didn’t result in harsher social punishments when our masks inevitably slip. It would be a fairer world if NTs were taught and expected to respect our sides, instead of just us being expected to navigate the minefield of NT socialization. Alas, we’re not there yet. But, the more we talk about our sides, the more NTs may come to understand us. Hopefully.
i share in your experiences and frustrations. i’ve had similar moments throughout my life when i felt the responsibility was entirely on me to make sure the social interaction went smoothly. i have tried to explain to people how i find certain social expectations exhausting and draining but that isn’t really understood and often forgotten by the next time it happens.