Actually makes me wish I had kids, this is brilliant.
I’ve been getting a lot of spam calls lately. Eventually said fuck it and screwed with them as much as possible. The best times were where I had something to do that didn’t require much brainpower but had to be done. I eventually was able to keep them on the phone for up to a half an hour by pretending I was following their instructions until they realized I was bullshitting them. Everything from the internet being slow (and going on a rant about “ever since I moved to [made up town] I’ve had to deal with this shitty Internet, and they promised it to make it better X years ago”) to fake accents and changing my voice, or sometimes just not having a clue if I have an iPhone or Android and getting walked through how to figure it out. Once they figure out I’m bullshitting them they get furious. Absolutely hilarious.
Unfortunately for the fuckery with the scammers I don’t have as much brainless stuff to do at the moment. Though I still do fuck with them, I keep it short. Some things they really hate:
go into the bathroom, and when they’re explaining their stuff flush the toilet so they can clearly hear it
answer in a voice like you’re getting off. Instead of “yes” answer “Oh God yes”. At a fitting moment say “Oh God I’m going to cum”
go really far away from the microphone and speak softly, and when they ask you to speak louder tell them you’re already speaking loudly, something must be up with the line. They’ll most likely turn up the volume. Once the conversation goes to their scam and they’re not thinking about it anymore, scream as loud as you can into the microphone.
“How would you like to get fucked in the ass?” (Works best with men, considering those men often seem to be pretty prejudiced)
in a crazy voice: “HEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT, I’M TAKIN A SHIAAAAT”
"You say you’re from [insert company they’re pretending to be from]? Shit, your ex was right, you are a liar!
"you work for [insert company they’re pretending to be from]? Is that what you tell your mother?
“Hey [insert their fake name they gave you, the way they pronounced it], if you’re going to use a fake name, at least learn to pronounce it right”
if you recognize the name from an earlier call, reference what happened in that earlier call and rile them up further about it
when they’re about to hang up: “don’t be a chicken, don’t hang up! I have a bet going with my friend here, if you hang up, I win!”
after getting insulted because you told them you know they’re not who they say they are: “you’re insulting me, which means I’m right, thank you!” [Proceed to laugh loudly]
Anyway, I have more, it’s just not popping into my head at the moment. But creativity is the key here, and it’s fucking entertaining.
I think next time I’m going to tell them all about bees! And I could throw in a few facts about chambered nautiluses, too although I don’t know enough to center the call about them.
Actually makes me wish I had kids, this is brilliant.
I’ve been getting a lot of spam calls lately. Eventually said fuck it and screwed with them as much as possible. The best times were where I had something to do that didn’t require much brainpower but had to be done. I eventually was able to keep them on the phone for up to a half an hour by pretending I was following their instructions until they realized I was bullshitting them. Everything from the internet being slow (and going on a rant about “ever since I moved to [made up town] I’ve had to deal with this shitty Internet, and they promised it to make it better X years ago”) to fake accents and changing my voice, or sometimes just not having a clue if I have an iPhone or Android and getting walked through how to figure it out. Once they figure out I’m bullshitting them they get furious. Absolutely hilarious.
Unfortunately for the fuckery with the scammers I don’t have as much brainless stuff to do at the moment. Though I still do fuck with them, I keep it short. Some things they really hate:
go into the bathroom, and when they’re explaining their stuff flush the toilet so they can clearly hear it
answer in a voice like you’re getting off. Instead of “yes” answer “Oh God yes”. At a fitting moment say “Oh God I’m going to cum”
go really far away from the microphone and speak softly, and when they ask you to speak louder tell them you’re already speaking loudly, something must be up with the line. They’ll most likely turn up the volume. Once the conversation goes to their scam and they’re not thinking about it anymore, scream as loud as you can into the microphone.
“How would you like to get fucked in the ass?” (Works best with men, considering those men often seem to be pretty prejudiced)
in a crazy voice: “HEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT, I’M TAKIN A SHIAAAAT”
"You say you’re from [insert company they’re pretending to be from]? Shit, your ex was right, you are a liar!
"you work for [insert company they’re pretending to be from]? Is that what you tell your mother?
“Hey [insert their fake name they gave you, the way they pronounced it], if you’re going to use a fake name, at least learn to pronounce it right”
if you recognize the name from an earlier call, reference what happened in that earlier call and rile them up further about it
when they’re about to hang up: “don’t be a chicken, don’t hang up! I have a bet going with my friend here, if you hang up, I win!”
after getting insulted because you told them you know they’re not who they say they are: “you’re insulting me, which means I’m right, thank you!” [Proceed to laugh loudly]
Anyway, I have more, it’s just not popping into my head at the moment. But creativity is the key here, and it’s fucking entertaining.
Only robots are calling me 😭
Usually the robot asks you to press a number, as soon as you do that you’ll be talking with a “representative”
Making suggestions about their heritage seems to really get the blood pressure up.
“I would have been your daddy, but the dog beat me over the fence!”
I wish I would get actual spam calls so I could try this out :D
the one where you go away from the mic / speak softly and then scream is so fucking hilarious
Makes me feel bad for those who aren’t doing it by their choice and might get east damage from it
I like telling them “My start menu? I don’t have a start menu, I’m running Arch Linux.”
This is legit the funniest comment I’ve seen on the fediverse. Bravo and thank you.
Thank you and you’re welcome!
I think next time I’m going to tell them all about bees! And I could throw in a few facts about chambered nautiluses, too although I don’t know enough to center the call about them.