So long story short

I am writing to say hi and hopefully I can find answers lurking in the shadows by everyone here.

Long story:

I guess I believed that I didn’t have this and have struggled a lot over time with the thought of always thinking what I might have and why I felt so different from neural typical people

I haven’t had a formal diagnosis, but I have been unofficial diagnosed with ADHD,anxiety and depression and a nurse off had mentioned that I might have Asperger’s but again no formal diagnosis.

I think I might also display signs CPTSD symptoms and I tend to have a proverbial forest of these lists of traumas albeit it small but are so…persistent that it is quite extensive in the sense that I could write a short story trying to explain myself with how I am feeling with this.

I think because my younger brother is mentally challenged to the point where he cannot look after himself, I think I have been hesitant to claim being neural divergent in fears that I might be thinking I am “broken”

But I have been, I guess, exploring, trying to understand what I might have because I have been forced to really try and make progress in my life after being “paralysed” by not feeling I am making any progress in my life.

I have always been something of a black sheep, generally have been of strong opinion and I am observant enough that I am decent at reading people to the point where I can call out other people’s bs to a reasonable degree.

I believe I am strong willed in the sense that I am not too easily swayed, but tend to fold with a “second inner self” that is on watch once I have experienced something bad. I also feel like I can be caught up in a collective “energy” too

My life is one of wearing masks and figuring out the right “persona” to put on for the right “performance”

I also struggle with interpersonal relationships as I have a tendency to overshare and be verbose in both my words and actions.

I have a bad tendency to trust and that has led to me being taken advantage of a lot, which has a knock on effect of making me be very cautious of people and their intent, which leaves me feeling very lonely and unloved as I struggle to make connections

I have difficulties making connections because I generally scare everyone away with how “heavily burdened” my soul feels and that leads to struggling to regulate and being force to have to mask up and live with the tiring burden of wanting to “fit in”

I am unemployed, I have been looking for employment and struggle to find many jobs to apply to because of a lack of confidence in my skills and feeling very self-conscious because I am in student debt that I cannot pay and I am forced to stay with my parents which also makes and leaves me with guilt as it is a household that is hanging on by the generosity of family.

might come across as graphics ( ie suicidal

It makes me feel very stuck in life as I struggle to move forward and I am not so young anymore so the aging feels like noose with time being the hangman. The thought does come to my mind of suicide, but life has given me reason enough to fear death as I have lived through experiences ( dodging a knife swung at me, not acting out rage and it scarying me that i was euphorically angry, survive almost drowning, had a near miss of a metal rugby tog hitting my eye) that have made me realise I don’t really want to die

I do have a suicide prevention buddy, that I try and keep in contact with and only really ask for help when it gets really bad as they rightfully don’t engage with my ramblings unless it is very serious. They are very busy, but still find time ti try and be someone to offer assistance and try pass on job opportunities if they find something they they think is applicable

Just overall life sucks and I do not know what to do with myself as all roads feel like a dead end

  • Ephera@lemmy.mlEnglish
    9·
    10 hours ago

    I mean, I’m not sure, what type of responses you expect, but I do always chuckle when someone posts here with “Not sure if autism” and then you open the post and it’s just a huge wall of text. Obviously not enough for a diagnosis, or even just telling whether someone really is on the spectrum, but it is quite a common sight.

    What you actually wrote doesn’t sound of place either. Feeling like you don’t fit in and the whole depression thing isn’t inherent to the autistic experience, but still quite common, because others will view us as different or weird.

    You could try out hobbies that tend to attract neurodivergent folks, like for example chess, board games, technology and books. Maybe you’ll find a sense of belonging there…

    • JayEchoRay@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      1·
      9 hours ago

      It is just a lot of going through rejection, isolation and feeling like what I say doesn’t get taken seriously (in regards to when I went to the hospital - they stopped trying to diagnose and just started giving meds and I got very frustrated after 6 months of that and how they were stopped looking for the cause and decided that treating the brain chemicals was more important)

      I only recently got told I most likely have neural divergent patterns because usually people do not really bother to get to know me or I am manipulated by people thinking I am too soft.

      So basically I have like decades of built up issues because I don’t have a means to get it out of my system, so yeah it is like a stewing pot that is always too full and bubbles over when I try to “serve” up information - it can get messy. If anything I have gotten more coherent compared to how I used to be, was told I don’t need therapy, I need an exorcist before - from a normal person.

      Thank you for the advice.

      I do have a thing with video games and I can be very invested in shows that can make me emotional from tying a moment to a scene. I do try to get involved in groups, but unless it is small I get socially exhausted and then I have difficulty getting the motivation to get back into it.

      I tried to get a something in software dev (but after getting my diploma) realised that that kind of work environment is not a good fit because I am not a great at coding and felt stronger on the information systems side but lacked confidence and the ability to “stretch the truth” to even know that I am capable because of bad interviews (my part largely ) giving me the impression that I am not qualified for the role - I have been more open to the idea of the embellishment concept, but I haven’t had much luck to test it. I kind of abadoned that career path and try my hand and looking at TEFL but that is also an over-saturated market that I do not have experience in.

      I sort of like books, but it is something I really need to enjoy from the start and then I can “lock in”, chess I feel out of my depth in as I know it is a game that rewards large scale pattern knowledge and it is a bit too involved for me.