I really didn’t want to have to write this out, as I am ready to just shout at someone, but my family and I are about to have game night and I don’t want to ruin it by constantly shouting stuff. Therefore, it’s being written here.
Let’s start from the beginning. When I was in seventh grade, my younger sister developed depression/suicidal thoughts. It scared me very badly, for I am a very sensitive person. However, not long after this whole thing started, I began to feel it was my fault that it happened.
My feelings began when my mom and I were in the car. She was either talking to me or somebody else when she mentioned that my sister had been crying to her the night before, saying that I got all my parents’ attention because they were always nagging me about my homework. She felt really bad and later on told me in a very manipulative voice that she was going to spend ten minutes with her talking about her day.
My mom and I were talking about things my sister says that bothers me, and she said that she can’t tell my sister not to talk about it because it would make her feel neglected like she was in the past. I feel terrible. It’s all my fault that my sister is depressed, it’s all my fault that she hates her body, because everyone in my family but me is overweight and are tempted when it comes to eating specific foods, I force myself to eat in private since I apparently “eat like a bird” compared to everyone else. It’s my fault my dad takes my sister to do “special chores” and brags about how strong she is and how she is a “worker bee,” where I’m just viewed as the housewife, because he believes “I’m not strong enough to lift stuff and need to stay at the other house for hours.” I can handle it too, and my mom thankfully knows this, and takes me over there to do chores too. It’s my fault my sister gets straight A’s in school, because it gets her positive attention, because apparently I hog all of their time. I’m the reason my family favors me, because I was born premature and autistic. Everything is my fault.
Since moving to college, my sister gets loads more attention, but ironically, says she doesn’t want it. While they drive me crazy, I would kill for some more time with my parents. I’ve felt so left out this last year now that my parents and sister have common TV interests and find her art fascinating. I can’t talk to my mom about it very well, because all I ever get is a contradiction as my mom is a Gemini and has ADD, and cannot listen without offering some sort of “yes, but…” it drives me insane.
I apologize for the big rant, I just had to share my feelings. While most of this doesn’t relate to me, I can’t shake the feeling that this is all my fault. Has anybody else felt like this or had a similar experience?
Well, this is kind of a strange idea, but I got attacked by kids when I was in the first grade they attacked me in the boys bathroom when I was alone. I’ve been scared of kids ever since everyone thinks why why do you wanna help people like they wanna throw people away you know it’s like for as long as I remember I don’t even trust people my own age and all I can think of is I wanna help them you know going through something that dramatic you can’t tell anyone about it and you hold it in my boyfriend he was convinced he needed to see this dumb ass movie called Mr. River and I said OK let’s go watch it so we were like teenagers making out on it. We scared all the adults cause they couldn’t handle it. It’s like you know it’s a healing process. There are young people that that need to hear this. Maybe you know just be like all the straight men and just throw these feelings away but someone needs to hear it. We didn’t like the movie. We both hated it does that make us bad people that we hated that movie you know but they’re so afraid to address the issue the elephant in their room you tell someone they don’t have time for you. They say you’re messed up without ever saying you know what you could help someone we hated that movie. I hate that movie. I see two teenagers making out to Mr. River and that they got creeped out. It’s like we don’t even like the movie. It’s a terrible story. It’s about a guy that thinks he’s damaged good cause he was abused as a kid they don’t care. They’re just throw us away even we’re trying to help people and so all I can say is yeah let me overact. Let me go watch Law and order SVU your kids edition and I asked any girls she was like oh yeah that’s pretty common like I don’t like it. It creeps me out. I’m a man I’m supposed to enjoy it I’m supposed to love romantic stories about. Where did you? Where did you touch on a baby doll like it’s so gross grosses me out why can’t I just say it grosses me out you know instead of being like why do you like this stuff instead now you’re a man you don’t deserve to heal from all this depravity. I’m sick and tired of it.
I know you are not looking for advice or affirmation or anything, but wanted to share my own experience all the same.
I’ve been married for 15 years to someone who deals with depression. I used to look at her depression and think If I could just eliminate the triggers, then she won’t be depressed. I understand now that isn’t how it works. My wife gets depressed because she has depression. If I eliminate this trigger or that trigger, her brain just finds something else. And there will always be something else. Because it’s not really about the so-called triggers. It’s about her depression.
Your sister isn’t depressed because of anything you did. She is depressed because she has depression. The things you listed are just the things her depression latched on to this time. If those things hadn’t happened, she would still be depressed, her brain just would have found different reasons. None of that helps with you feeling guilty about the things she said. But I wanted to say it anyway.
Thank you! I really appreciate you saying this! And affirmations are totally fine with me, this really helped.
You’re over-thinking. I promise you that
I 100% agree, sometimes I just think it’s all my fault, especially when clues are given
I haven’t.
I’m just here to tell you that this is not on you. It seems like every single member of your family is bringing their own issues, and yours are not worse than anyone else’s.
Also something in what you’re saying just reminds me of a lot of similar feelings. Like “maybe I my family could have been a good life with someone who’s straight in their head instead of my mosaic looking ass braincells” but at the end of the day, that’s not my fault. And it feels narcissistic to say that, but you gotta cut yourself some slack.
Also if you need to vent more, my dms are always open and I hope you can get through this next occasion and then recharge a bit on your own terms again.
Thank you, ultimately, I was just ranting as it helped me to feel better, I was much less frustrated after I wrote this.
