Respect, but the real deal is the only syrup in my house.

My six-year-old daughter tried pancakes at a restaurant the other day where they only had Smucker’s corn syrup, and she hated it. She knows the taste of real maple. I couldn’t be prouder.

I figured it out because I fucking love maple syrup.

Wouldn’t work. I need butter, so unless I’m dipping in syrup and liquid butter…

Never mind, that would totally work.

Pancakes. Waffles just don’t achieve the same thing. Crispiness is great, but they don’t absorb the butter as well.

It lets the syrup soak into the middle.

The waffle doesn’t have enough syrup.

The pancakes have almost enough, maybe, depending on if there’s any in the middle of the stack.

Real maple syrup is a reason to get up in the morning.

Whoever downvoted you must not have ever had real maple syrup.

I find it deeply offensive that an app could suggest I may not know the word “cornucopia.” I wouldn’t give a shit if it was the only app I could use to pay my bills; if it at any point suggested that I didn’t know a word as common as “cornucopia,” I would delete it immediately, leave a 0 star review, and post the offense to a community like this.

And just to be clear, the bar for how uncommon a word would have to be in order for it not be offensive is way higher than cornu-fucking-copia.

“Terpsichorean.” That’s a word I wouldn’t be offended if they thought I didn’t know it. Or maybe “legerdemain.” I know both of those words, but I wouldn’t be offended.

You won’t regret it! The game really is a singular experience.

Last time this meme came up I had the perfectly worded Disco Elysium quote ready, but I’ve forgotten it. So just pretend I said it right now.

If you’re not going to take this seriously, just get a Teflon pan.

Most of the care tips you see on cast iron are just superstition.

It’s actually super easy to care for. You just scrub it with some salt and a boar bristle brush, dry it with a linen towel, then store it in a marble sepulchre facing North.

It’s 2025. The US government is under the complete control of a fascist regime.

Yelling at Democrats would be a silly thing to do.

I’m lucky. My parents flipped in 2016. My dad became a Democrat at 60 years old and hasn’t looked back.

I was talking to him the other day and said, “Sometimes I wish you were still Republican, so I’d have someone to yell at.” Like it’s frustrating in a way, because I want to shake these people, like, how can you be this shitty? My dad laughed and said: “Sorry, it turns out I have morals.”

Meanwhile my mother-in-law is still a conservative but refuses to talk about it, and it’s not my place to push too hard. She’ll be cut off eventually, when we have to flee the regime, but for now I point out the insane shit that’s going on and she just giggles nervously, because she’s incapable of confrontation. If she were my mother she’d have been cut off by now.

It’s a shame, because in every other respect she’s a wonderful lady. She always welcomed me into her family, and she’s such an active, loving grandmother. Except for the part where she sold out her grandchildren’s future because minorities make her nervous, of course.

Ow. Fuck. I rolled my eyes so hard that I hurt my head.

Grown men having strong opinions on how Disney Princesses should look will never not be silly.

There’s no reason for it to matter to them.

Yes, words matter.

But the ends don’t justify the means. Morality isn’t outcome-oriented. It’s wrong to kill someone just for their words and ideas.

If the assassin had targeted the people enacting those ideas, that might be different. But assassinations tend to be a net negative. I can’t think of an exception.

There’s a long list of people taking our liberties away, and the guy who says stupid shit is pretty far down on that list. Words matter, but they’re not violence.

*you’re

Oh man. I remember the very small Castle Crashers vs. competitive scene on Xbox in 2008. I was 15th ranked in the world, and probably higher than that in actual skill.

I met a couple of really cool people on there. Most of us were about evenly matched, and a game could go either way.

But the number one player was this shit-talking child with a voice that could shatter glass. Normally I love shit-talkers in competitive scenes. I don’t tilt easy, so I feel like I get an edge on them.

But not this banshee. I don’t know if I ever even got a hit on him. I saw it as a challenge to overcome, but he just fucking wrecked me every time I saw him.

The gameplay in vs. was so crazy. Castle Crashers seems like a simple game, but with the right combos you could get airborne and never touch the ground. So most of the game was trying to get under your opponent so you could juggle them endlessly, back and forth across the screen. But you had to execute. It was tough to keep the combo going for long enough to beat someone in one go, and once you slipped up, they could do the same to you.

So my memory from that time was this shrill little fucker, gleefully shrieking about my mother while his brightly colored knight juggled mine back and forth across the top of the screen. Honestly kind of fitting for that game.