Looks like Alvin’s into it

Man I feel lucky, there are a ton of lightning bugs in my yard

The spotty yeety boi is so pretty but it can go fuck itself

Th…thanks…

I was hoping for fat baby jd vance

My brain thought it was a light bulb wrapped in masking tape

A lot of them are plastic now which means they’re pretty much room temp

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

I had my phone in greyscale mode (and admittedly I’m a little high) and I thought “oh I bet that bathroom’s gorgeous in color” because I took your comment for serious and didn’t see the thumbnail very clearly ANYWAY lemme tell ya the disappointment when I took my phone off greyscale mode…

you got me good

I never realized his waistband had elastic before.

Or took AZO.

Oh my god I forgot all about Mallory Ortberg’s interpretations of monk paintings! I used to love these.

Unrelated but she once wrote something like “everyone knows that to properly make a bed, you need to circle it like a shark” and the truth of that has stuck with me ever since. Why is my brain like this haha

Imagine giving birth to that.

I mean, duh. Baked beans are stupidly sweet.

If you like making love at midnight

Do you really think Trump knows non-capital letters exist?

My arms are pretty flexible so I just use my hands & a washcloth.

And a hairnet?!

“People don’t have pensions anymore?”

No, Mom, we don’t.

Doesn’t matter if you let them in. Nothing stopping them from setting your house on fire and making you come out.