I got one, but I kind of regret it a little bit although it is nice to have the certainty that I am autistic rather than being 99% sure. I got it in the hopes that neurotype-affirming therapy could be helpful for me but unfortunately it really wasn’t that helpful in the end. And now I have to be a little afraid of if the US government decides they wanna go after autistic people…but since you’re out of the US and have easier access and if you really want that certainty then go for it, but also you don’t need to in order to call yourself autistic either.

I’m fairly sure that your to-be ex-partner probably isn’t actively trying to manipulate you but it is manipulative regardless to have breakdowns and meltdowns when people no longer want to associate with you, and I am saying this as someone who has regrettably done this in my past. It’s understandable, especially since it sounds like your partner was largely rejected by most of the people in their life and really doesn’t have a social support group to lean on, but that doesn’t change that it’s manipulative. However, it is probably true for her that she isn’t going to have a safe person for a while, and if that’s what they need to feel safe then that means they’re going to have to still find a way to exist with that lack of safety. Whether or not they recover will probably depend on their other connections or other hobbies. How long were you in a relationship for? If it was only like a year or two I think it’s probably more likely that she’ll recover than if it’s 10+. Do you live together?

In my case, as the person who was regrettably on the other end of things (though most recently in the context of a friendship and not a romantic relationship), I don’t think that there’s any way to end any sort of relationship in the way of “I no longer wish to associate with you” that won’t deeply hurt someone who is already chronically socially deprived and lonely. You are going to hurt them, probably deeply and in a way that will take a very long time for them to recover from, but if you stay in the relationship when you don’t want to be, you’ll hurt both yourself and them and you’ll eventually hurt them even worse when you do leave. There’s no way around or out of hurting them, particularly if they do not have good social support, which will also make things worse in the aftermath if they do not have good social support, but that isn’t your responsibility even if they are entirely alone. You probably should cut contact entirely but I don’t know that I can get the full context of the relationship with this brief explanation.

I know that at least some of the people who dislike me, completely independent of their dislike of me, are people who I wouldn’t like anyways because of some of their personal beliefs that they’ve also brought up at work. I know logically that I am not compatible with them and should not care what they think. But my lizard brain still makes the social ouchie when I hear them talking badly about me when I’m in earshot…and I’m aware that the reason I’m so disliked is largely because of my autistic communication style and that’s part of why autism is a disability in the first place. I know my self-esteem isn’t great but I don’t really know what I can realistically do for better self-esteem that doesn’t just feel fake.

I’ve tried to read that book, and I forget what, but some section or another of it bothered me and I never ended up finishing it. I think the ideas behind it were good though.

Unfortunately, my experiences with therapy have been middling to bad. I’ve been contemplating giving it another shot at some point, though. Maybe if I try someone who specializes in a different modality, it’ll be different this time. Work from home is not possible for my job unfortunately. I have thought about looking for a WFH job but this job is fairly stable…but maybe that’s also something I should maybe consider in the longer run.

I wouldn’t say that everyone’s an ass (though a few of the people who seem to strongly dislike me are, but those are for reasons that aren’t even necessarily related to their treatment of me but I wonder if it might be part of why they dislike me) and not liking me can run from being more neutral towards me to utterly loathing me. It’s not that everyone loathes me, but there are enough people who do who I have to spend a decent amount of time around.

I’m pretty sure that it is at least partially because of differences in communication styles between autistic and allistic people if not a large part of it. I don’t know. I don’t think I can make the people who particularly dislike me not dislike me, but I just wish they would at least wait until I’m firmly out of earshot. But I don’t know of a way to say that, and I’m worried that it could backfire and then they’d do it more. It’s definitely not friendly banter, though, otherwise I’d be included on it. I think I just have to figure out how to make it affect me less, or how to deal with how it affects me, really.

I’ve only talked briefly about a few of the people who particularly dislike me with one other person who was a regular witness to their behavior, who more or less confirmed that they can’t stand me. I know that it’s not that everyone actively dislikes me, but there are enough people who do in my immediate workplace that I have to interact with on a daily basis that just makes it a drain to be there.

I probably should have been more clear that when people don’t seem to think that I’m disliked at work unless I bring up issues of overt bullying or verbal abuse said directly to my face, is when I try to verbally discuss the issue with allistic people, who I do not work with, when they ask me about work and the conversation extends beyond just a basic one-line response. And I don’t think it’s that everyone at work hates me, and I’m not even sure that I would want friend-friends from my workplace. As I said in the OP, it’s kind of a mix or a range between neutrality to utter disdain and unfortunately there’s a decent cluster of people who have enough disdain and also social cliquishness to go along with that. If everyone was in the neutral to some dislike but still cordial zone, then I think I would actually kind of like my job. It’s that enough people do actively dislike me to the point where it’s very draining and hard to not have the misery carry over and have to be something that constantly weighs me down. I think that the solution is figuring out how to deal with the burden of the pain that the rejection and exclusion causes, even though I logically understand that I wouldn’t even really want to be close with many of the people doing this anyways. The rejection won’t go away, but if I can manage the pain, then I’ll be able to more solidly engage with the logic that I’m incompatible with nearly everyone who holds me in active disdain anyways. But as it is, there’s just so much rejection that it’s just hard.

I do my best to try and think of being rejected / disliked as part of the work experience as an autistic person. But it’s hard to think that way long-term because it doesn’t improve with time. I know that there’s not much I can do about it, but I just wish there was a better way to cope with the large amount of negative energy that I absorb on a daily basis.

That sounds like a lovely idea. I feel so worn down by the concept of work that I don’t know that I’d be able to identify skills that I’d have if a company like that popped up. But it still sounds like a great idea. I definitely don’t have the entrepreneurial spirit though so couldn’t be me either.

I’m sorry. I worry that this could happen to me eventually. I hope you were able to find something with a different dynamic.

It’s rare enough thankfully that the incidence is isolated and hasn’t become a consistent enough pattern of behavior to the point where I’ve had to do that. It was a little worse when I was younger in different jobs but at least I’m not there anymore.

I expect rejection at this point too from many people, but I still try to be cordial. It’s fake but the whole person you have to be at work is fake anyways. But even though these are people who I know I wouldn’t get along with outside of work, to have to just be there, day in and day out and have to just exist in this space where I know several people who I work in a direct capacity with for eight hours can’t stand me is just so draining emotionally since I know that if I go elsewhere, it’ll be the same since this has been my experience with the general public for my entire life.