Given the condition cats’ coats stay in, there are probably enzymes in cat saliva that evolved to have conditioning qualities. So a shampoo made with cat saliva is not entirely implausible.

“in the new issue: how to get the tradwife look”

Fuck off back to Xitter

Maybe Lesbian Agenda is a noteworthy band in the Beijing post-punk scene or something?

“It was for our team-building circle jerk”

Octopi are intelligent, but they don’t live long enough to have the chance to learn enough and reach their full potential. If there’s ever a mutation that extends their longevity, humanity’s days are numbered.

And those who can’t teach, administrate

Don’t they also have far-right leanings of some sort? If so, it’s not surprising.

Mushrooms you can’t get high from by smoking are non-tokeable fungi.

Like Conservapedia, only made of slop

There was once someone who printed a roll of stickers with pictures of wood screws on them, and would put them over the hearts on “I ❤️ MY _” stickers.

Gotta find it, as Charon won’t let me on his ferry otherwise

Nice try, officer.

If it’s the actual Bavarian Illuminati, then they probably picked you as a credulous, deep-pocketed nobleman who can be pumped for membership dues in return for initiation to an endless ladder of degrees, each revealing profoundly esoteric secrets which don’t actually mean anything. If you’re one of a handful who show themselves to be sceptical and open-minded, perhaps Adam Weishaupt will take you aside and reveal that all that woo was just bullshit to part the rubes from their money, and the true mission of the Illuminati is to spread Enlightenment ideals, such as secularism and anti-monarchism, which the authorities take a very dim view of.

Do they make human-sized ones?

Hustling hard to keep their heads above water, or collapsing in front of the TV exhausted. Maybe fantasising about sex or vacations or what they would do if they were rich. Possibly having an existential crisis.

Do you want the boring accountant’s truth or the Herzogian ecstatic truth?

More so than that. It was the Nazi-era term referring to “the true Aryan German people”, and excluding all the Nazis regarded as degenerate or un-Aryan, as used in the adjective “volkisch”.

Depending on peasants’ lifespans in this world, the peasant with the midlife crisis could be just out of their teens

I’ll just wait for the bus to 127.0.0.1