Everyone around me always assumed I was a boy (or later: a man). I never really felt like a girl and, growing up, I didn’t know there were alternatives. The performative masculinity of my peers never set well with me, I didn’t like all of the things boys are supposed to like, and often got along better with girls than most other guys. I just thought I was an open-minded, quiet, and feminist dude who wasn’t always great at performing masculinity.

Then I was really depressed for a long time and my gender wasn’t something I thought about a lot. I learned what non-binary meant and met a couple of non-binary people, but I didn’t hate being a man and figuring out how to live with depression had a higher priority than looking into my gender.

More recently my depression has gotten more manageable and I had more time and energy to look at other aspects of my life. Due to conversations about gender (with both cis and trans folks), I felt I should do some introspection. I didn’t hate being a man, but I also never really enjoyed it. There’s aspects of masculinity or my (rather traditionally masculine) body I appreciate, but not in a way that’s connected to my gender.

This is all fairly new to me, so I’m not good at putting it into words yet. When I see my hands with bright nail polish on, they feel more like my hands. Wearing a skirt gives me energy in a way other clothing doesn’t always do. When my girlfriend first referred to me as non-binary, I couldn’t stop smiling for an hour. It all just feels more correct.

Since realizing I’m non-binary I’ve found each much easier to exercise and eat healthily. I’ve started taking more care of how I dress and of my personal hygiene. I just feel more like myself.