This happens in a hospital’s ICU.
The patient’s daughter, a woman from the middle east in her thirties and very limited English, after seeing her father in a bed, intubated, with several syringe pumps, a pacer, several monitoring sensors and more stuff, started yelling a long, continued aaaaaahhh…, took her phone, called somebody, started yelling at the phone in her mother tongue, left the room, left the ICU but immediately after started banging the door to be let in again, she yelled to the phone again, the woman at the end of the line started yelling as well, so that’s 2 women yelling, equally stressed. 2 family members who happened to be there started banging the door as well, a nurse approached the door, let them in, telling them in a stern voice and not looking friendly not to yell, which, to my surprise, worked a bit: the daughter kept yelling, but not so loud as before, the other 2 women didn’t yell, they all followed the nurse into the room.
I froze. This has never happened to me. I thought about hugging the daughter but being a man and not speaking an ounce of Arabic I didn’t know if she would think I was trying to assault her. I don’t know how people from the middle east, presumably Muslims, react to this.
If you ever experienced something like this, what did you do?
ETA: I wrote yelling and not wailing, because to me it wasn’t wailing: Wailing is recognized automatically, it makes you cry, this wasn’t like that, wailing cannot be faked. I was born in a household where appearances were highly valued. One family tradition where I was born is to fake cry during funerals: you’re supposed to show how sad you are by faking to sob and cry, but to anyone smart enough it’s clear that’s fake. My grandfather never loved my grandmother and when she died after 50 years of unhappy marriage, he did exactly that during the funeral.
What this woman did felt like that.
I work in 911 dispatch, so getting people to calm down, stop what they’re doing, and listen to me is kind of a big part of my job. Things are of course a bit different in-person than over the phone, but here’s generally how I’d approach something like this.
If you know their name, use it. A lot. People respond to their name, that’s kind of the whole reason names exist. It will get their attention which is half the battle.
Getting them to calm down from there is the other half, and it’s not easy, especially if you don’t speak their language. Body language and tone of voice goes a long way though.
Not that they’re going to understand you in this situation anyway, but remember that no one in the entire history of calming down has anyone ever actually calmed down after being told to calm down. Don’t even bother trying that.
Try to get them to take some deep breaths, use some gestures.
Your hospital really should have access to some sort of translation service, either humans on location there in the room with you who speak the language, or some kind of service like languageline (not plugging them specifically, I have a lot of complaints about some of their interpreters, they just happen to be who we use at work) that you can call up and get on speakerphone. Google translate and such are wonderful tools, but they’re not perfect and sometimes you really want that bit of a human touch. I’ve also occasionally had some great interpretors who will chime in with some helpful bits like “they’re saying’this’ but in our culture that usually really means ‘this’”
If you can find an excuse to hand them something, maybe some paperwork, that can also sometimes kind of create a little bit of a break in whatever they’re doing for you to work with. They’ll probably stop screaming for a second to look at what was just handed to them, and then you can try to work on something.