I both volunteer and am a member at a center that works to vocationally rehabilitate the mentally disabled (ie, help them find work.) It is one of some 300+ clubhouses that follow the Fountain House model. Ironically, I am seeking disability myself and am currently not employed and have been encouraged by my social worker to not follow up on opportunities for the time being. None the less, I spend my time volunteering here 5 days a week because being within a community with other mentally disabled folks makes me not feel so abnormal. Additionally, doing work, even volunteer work, helps curb the inner self-loathing and low self-esteem. To give some perspective, before I joined this community back in May, I thought about suicide daily. When participating at this center, it drops to a few times a week. So yes, it helps.

None the less, the last couple weeks have been rough. For reasons I don’t really know, I’ve been neglecting my meds. I know they work, they really do. But for some reason, I haven’t been able to bring myself to take them consistently.

Additional stressers include dealing with low-level attraction to a couple center staff, one of which there’s some mutual attraction as she’ll actively seek me out just to talk about her day, then steadily go dumb in the head and makes freudian slips as she talks to me until she has to excuse herself. It’s actually kinda cute to watch her fall to pieces. None-the-less she has a BF she lives with and I’ve no interest in even trying to wreck homes or some such, nor am I at a place in my life where I could be a stable person who can contribute towards a relationship that uplifts both people. I am failing at just taking care of myself and am in need of help I simply can’t return. And I get reminded of this each day, and, man, it sucks. It just really sucks.

Additionally, I’m high functioning enough that staff regularly encourage me to go beyond my boundaries with work or school. Because on the outside I seem capable. I do a lot at this center, from kitchen work, plant work (we have a flowershop,) to creating fliers in Canva or helping members/staff type up proposals for this that and the other. But a closer observation of my past school and work life, which they don’t see and I have to repeatedly re-explain to individuals, shows I’m just good at masking for a limited time before completely falling to pieces. And I have fallen so far as to have a genuine psychotic break that resulted in very paranoia inducing Ideas and Delusions of Reference which I was only brought back from due to meds. It’s simultaneously nice to be held at a high esteem and crushing that I cannot live up to what others would expect of me.

It’s better than being all alone I guess, but man, I really get bummed sometimes.