Well I think I might be autistic, I’ve wondered why I feel so different from other people, why it feels like I am taking my entire life, why when I lose focus, or am not being focused on i become completely silent and struggle to make even simple comments, and why I have had to watch and learn from others to become remotely social. I guess those are all signs of autism. I took that RAADS-R test and got a score of 141, which is slightly above the mean for autistics, I also took a few other of those quizzes.
But my question is what happens now? What do I do? I don’t feel comfortable asking my parents if I can get examined, I can’t really afford to do it myself, but I guess I could try. I don’t want to just start saying that I’m autistic, and have to mention that it’s self diagnosed because I think we all know the stigma around that.
Heck I’m still in the stage (or I assume it’s a stage because it matches that one post here where they talked about their stages of realizing they have autism, and I related completely to it) where I’m not sure if I am not just faking this whole thing. So what do I do now?
This has turned out to be a huge wall of text, sorry.
Most autistic communities recognise that an official diagnosis is hard to get and not always helpful/necessary, so while it’s wise not to say as much out in the rest of the world, it’s completely valid to self-identify within an autistic space.
Feeling like you’re faking the whole thing is so normal. I didn’t have a self-identification journey before being diagnosed as an adult, and for the first two years after that diagnosis still felt like I wasn’t actually autistic and the assessors made a mistake, or not autistic enough to “count” and give myself accommodation. It comes from a lifetime of learning that your experiences are “wrong”, that you “can’t trust” your own interpretations of the world around you, that you could do anything a neurotypical person can do if you just try. We late-identified are raised to doubt ourselves. It’s often no one’s fault, but it still takes a lot of unlearning.
What you do now is start regularly checking in with your senses. Are you feeling tense because you’ve been ignoring a too-bright light or an irritating noise or an uncomfortable piece of clothing? Removing those kinds of subconscious distractions is a huge relief, whether that’s with headphones, earplugs, sunglasses, baseball hats, whatever works. Are you hungry/thirsty/sitting in a really uncomfortable way and haven’t realised it? Solve those needs.
Then look into stimming. Physical or mental actions that you feel an urge to do and find calming. They don’t have to be “weird” or socially unacceptable - spinning a pen, fiddling with a paperclip, chewing gum, twisting bracelets/wristbands/rings, squeezing a stress ball, wearing clothing that puts pressure in certain places (e.g. I wear dresses with a waist belt for pressure on my abdomen) are all possible stims. Even if it sounds completely unnecessary, try a bunch of thing and see what makes you feel safe and calm.
Chances are that if you’re autistic you’ll have a lot more mental energy after discovering your sensory sensitivities and stims, because it’s not all going into trying to ignore all the discomforts.
The social side is less straightforward, and to be honest I’ve not figured it out yet. People say masking is damaging and should be avoided at all costs, but those costs can be significant. I’ve tried to go the route of not masking stims (having found subtle ones that work) and unapologetically wearing sunglasses indoors, but still put on the mask when it comes to communication, tone of voice, facial expressions and the like. Because my aim is to be understood, not to take a stand for all autism-kind, and the relief of meeting my sensory needs frees up a lot of the mental energy for it. Maybe that’s the wrong approach, but it’s the one that poses the least risk to my comfort.
Thank you, a wall of text is fantastic, it’s so weird to see issues and problems I’ve been having that have felt like they were just something I experience just written out by someone I don’t even know yet.
That first comment on not feeling like your Autistic enough hits home so hard. I’ve felt that ever since I started wondering if I was autistic. It’s definitely not a struggle I’m over but having someone else even mention it is amazing. Thank you.
And for stimming, I’ve learned to spin just about any object across my palm, I had no idea that’s what I was doing. This whole time I just though I was just fiddling. That’s so cool that there’s a word for that. Thank you for your wall of text and advice, I guarantee you I’ll be competing back to this comment over and over.
I’m so glad you’re feeling validated, it’s so miserable to be adrift in thoughts of “what’s wrong with me”!
Stimming is one of those things that everyone does to an extent, since it’s basically just “doing things that feel nice”. The difference for neurodivergent folks is that it helps us emotionally regulate in a way that neurotypical folks don’t need, so we tend to do it a lot more often (or feel extra stressed/anxious/irritable).
Looking back as I try to jusfify having autism, it really is almost funny how many warning signs myself, and my family have ignored. One of them being that every time I get remotely stressed, like being put in a new location or basically someone talking to me I just start spinning my phone rapidly. Like why didn’t I think of why I did that??? And I was talking to my mom and she goes “you know you used to be so scedual oriented as a kid, if we went shopping mid day you would freak out because you couldn’t watch your cartoons, I would have to give you 15 or 20 minute warnings, not five because that wasn’t enough”. Like autism red flag mom geez!
And during this conversation I was trying to find an in into mentioning that I though I might be autistic so I say " oh and I used to love lining up my hotwheels too right?" She said yes. WHAT??? Glad autism awareness is growing nowadays but I’m still shocked I got this far undetected, I’m like the batman of autism.
Spinning pens is stimming behavior? Your telling me NTs don’t do that?
Is it normal to pull up grass while sitting in a grassy area and just run it through your fingers?
Sure they do, NTs do a lot of stim activities, the difference is that they don’t need to stim in order to remain calm and centred, they can just do it because it’s fun.